1 00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:58,083 Everyone, check your email. 2 00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:06,372 The greatest thing that could ever happen has just happened. 3 00:00:06,374 --> 00:00:08,474 The girl who beat you for high school valedictorian died? 4 00:00:08,476 --> 00:00:11,176 No, "Kevin Cozner requests your presence 5 00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:13,178 At Raymond's birthday party." 6 00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:14,680 Who's Kevin Cozner? 7 00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:17,483 Is he the star of "Danzes with Wolvez?" 8 00:00:17,485 --> 00:00:20,085 He's captain Holt's husband. Captain Raymond Holt. 9 00:00:20,087 --> 00:00:21,420 We're invited to the captain's birthday party. 10 00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:23,689 Oh, the captain's party and whatnot. 11 00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:26,125 I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. 12 00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:28,093 I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him. 13 00:00:28,095 --> 00:00:31,797 I bet it's really fancy, like beauty and the beast fancy. 14 00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:34,133 No, it's probably just an empty, white cube 15 00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:35,634 With a usb port in it for him to plug his finger in 16 00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:37,369 When he's on sleep mode. 17 00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:40,606 Apparently, my husband Kevin has invited you all to my party. 18 00:00:40,608 --> 00:00:42,307 There is very little street parking, no gifts, 19 00:00:42,309 --> 00:00:45,611 No singing of happy birthday. Should be fun. 20 00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:48,113 Sounds fantastic. 21 00:00:48,115 --> 00:00:52,117 Did you hear that? His husband invited us, not him. 22 00:00:52,119 --> 00:00:53,118 He so doesn't want us there. 23 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:54,520 Yes, he does. 24 00:00:54,522 --> 00:00:57,356 Mm, it was kind of a last-minute invite. 25 00:00:57,358 --> 00:00:59,091 Just stirring the pot. 26 00:00:59,093 --> 00:01:00,392 Why wouldn't Holt want us there? 27 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:02,194 Because he thinks we're going to embarrass him 28 00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:05,330 In front of his husband, which, frankly, is insulting! 29 00:01:05,332 --> 00:01:07,199 Oh, man. 30 00:01:07,201 --> 00:01:09,401 All the orange soda spilled out of my cereal. 31 00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:33,225 Happy birthday, you sly, old fox. 32 00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:34,860 How many spankings is it this year? 33 00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:37,396 Peralta, please. Save some charm for the party. 34 00:01:37,398 --> 00:01:39,798 Oh, you mean the party that you begrudgingly invited us to 35 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:41,633 At the last minute 'cause you don't want us there? 36 00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:43,202 I couldn't be happier you're coming. 37 00:01:43,204 --> 00:01:45,104 And it shows. I can't wait to meet Kevin. 38 00:01:45,106 --> 00:01:47,172 I assume he's the fun one in the relationship. 39 00:01:47,174 --> 00:01:49,508 I'm not sure you and Kevin will get along. 40 00:01:49,510 --> 00:01:51,443 Really? Well, I disagree. 41 00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:54,179 In fact, I will guarantee you that by the end of the night, 42 00:01:54,181 --> 00:01:56,215 Kev and I will be best friends. 43 00:01:56,217 --> 00:01:57,516 He hates being called "Kev." 44 00:01:57,518 --> 00:02:00,219 Or does he? Yes. 45 00:02:00,221 --> 00:02:02,154 Bam! 46 00:02:02,156 --> 00:02:04,623 Behold, my secret weapon for winning over Kevin. 47 00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:06,792 In this box is every grisly crime 48 00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:08,861 The nine-nine has worked in the past eight years. 49 00:02:08,863 --> 00:02:11,363 Civilians love juicy cop stories. 50 00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:13,198 Oh, I call that murder where they strung 51 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:14,500 Fishing wire through three guys. 52 00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:16,135 Hey, we solved that together. 53 00:02:16,137 --> 00:02:17,836 Well, tough tetris. I called it. 54 00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:20,639 Also, I've loaded all of my favorite karaoke backing tracks 55 00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,307 Onto my phone. 56 00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:24,510 Kevin and I will be duetting rolling in the deep! 57 00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:26,512 That's it, emergency squad meeting, 58 00:02:26,514 --> 00:02:28,347 Briefing room, two minutes. 59 00:02:30,783 --> 00:02:32,351 Uh, adult parties? 60 00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:34,686 Sergeant, I believe they're called orgies. 61 00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:35,921 No-look five. 62 00:02:35,923 --> 00:02:37,656 I met my wife at an orgy. 63 00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,858 Well, she was leaving an orgy, 64 00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:41,927 And we bumped into each other on the street. 65 00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:43,629 Real meet-cute. 66 00:02:43,631 --> 00:02:47,299 Thank you for exhibiting exactly why this meeting is necessary. 67 00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:48,934 Everyone here needs some instruction 68 00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:51,270 On interacting with grown-ups. 69 00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:52,671 Sergeant, why am I here? 70 00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:54,439 I'm always incredibly appropriate. 71 00:02:54,441 --> 00:02:56,808 In high school, I was voted "most appropriate." 72 00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:59,378 Ooh, self burn. Those are rare. 73 00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:01,880 I shouldn't be here either. I'm fine at parties. 74 00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:04,383 I just stand in the middle of the room and don't say anything. 75 00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:06,418 Here are the rules: No staring at your phones, 76 00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:08,220 No rolling in two hours late. 77 00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:11,290 No sweatpants, no jeans, and no shorts. 78 00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:12,658 What about dress-up shorts? 79 00:03:12,660 --> 00:03:14,526 For instance, the kind jen aniston might wear? 80 00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:18,597 No, those are still shorts. No shorts. 81 00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:19,965 And everyone bring a bottle of wine. 82 00:03:19,967 --> 00:03:21,700 Why are there so many rules? I mean, next thing 83 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:23,502 You're gonna say is we can't be late. 84 00:03:23,504 --> 00:03:25,404 Yeah, that's, like, the first thing I said. 85 00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:28,307 Ohh. 86 00:03:29,442 --> 00:03:30,742 This neighborhood's amazing. 87 00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:33,512 Class just seeps outta every vestibule. 88 00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:36,315 Keep it in your pants, Santiago. 89 00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:38,450 Scully, I specifically said, "no shorts." 90 00:03:38,452 --> 00:03:39,985 Sarge, it's not my fault. 91 00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:42,554 You said so many things about shorts, I got confused. 92 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,256 Man, did I screw the pooch. 93 00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:45,257 Oh. Peralta, 94 00:03:45,259 --> 00:03:46,592 Where have you been? 95 00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:47,960 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know, 96 00:03:47,962 --> 00:03:51,230 I am threety-five minutes late. Yikes! 97 00:03:51,232 --> 00:03:52,998 But I had to stop and get some wine. 98 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:57,002 Hello, good sir, I'd like your finest bottle of wine, please. 99 00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:59,605 That will be $1,600. 100 00:03:59,607 --> 00:04:02,808 Great, I'd like your $8-est bottle of wine, please. 101 00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:05,978 It's from the finest vineyard in arkansas. 102 00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:09,848 Ah, samesies! 103 00:04:13,254 --> 00:04:14,453 Wow. 104 00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:16,421 Wow. 105 00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:17,756 Ah, welcome. 106 00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:18,757 Captain. 107 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,425 Raymond! 108 00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,594 Those slacks are a knockout. 109 00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:23,929 Come on, amy. 110 00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:25,597 I trust you found my home easy to locate, 111 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,432 And thank you all for wearing appropriate footwear. 112 00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:29,301 Wow, you really let your hair down 113 00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:30,569 When you're not at the office. 114 00:04:30,571 --> 00:04:33,038 Ah, detectives, meet my husband, Kevin. 115 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:34,473 Nice to meet you. Hi. 116 00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:36,675 Evening, so glad you could make it. 117 00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:39,745 Ah, and look, he brought us some wine. 118 00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:42,314 "drink." this is legally called "wine drink." 119 00:04:42,316 --> 00:04:44,616 Hmm, how very thoughtful. Thank you. 120 00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:46,918 It's red. Like blood. 121 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:48,053 You know, I worked a double homicide 122 00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:49,454 On this block a couple years ago. 123 00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:51,323 The details will astound you. 124 00:04:51,325 --> 00:04:52,424 Yes, I am sorry. 125 00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:53,592 Perhaps Raymond didn't say anything. 126 00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:55,627 Our home has a "no shoptalk" policy. 127 00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:56,962 I don't bring home beowulf, 128 00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:58,297 And he doesn't bring home cop stories. 129 00:04:58,299 --> 00:05:00,532 Ah. So may I pour you 130 00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:02,901 Some of this wine drink you brought us? 131 00:05:02,903 --> 00:05:04,836 Perhaps all of it? 132 00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:07,372 All of it sounds good. 133 00:05:08,508 --> 00:05:09,975 Actually, ray and I met over the phone. 134 00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,410 Oh, they've all heard the story. 135 00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:13,312 No, we haven't, and we need to. 136 00:05:13,314 --> 00:05:15,480 Well, ray was a source for an article I was writing 137 00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:16,648 For The New Yorker. 138 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,350 I asked him a series of dry questions 139 00:05:18,352 --> 00:05:20,986 About police work, and his answers had me in stitches. 140 00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:22,321 There's no one funnier than ray Holt. 141 00:05:22,323 --> 00:05:23,822 Amen. There isn't? 142 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:25,057 We met for a drink that night, 143 00:05:25,059 --> 00:05:26,058 And we've been together ever since. 144 00:05:26,060 --> 00:05:27,693 Yeah. 145 00:05:27,695 --> 00:05:29,761 So, Kevin, I hear you're a professor at columbia? 146 00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:31,663 That's right, yes. I head the classics department. 147 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:33,598 Ah, interesting, classics. 148 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:38,937 Zeppelin, Hendrix, Die Hard. Total classics head over here. 149 00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:42,107 I'm joking, obviously. I know what the classics are. 150 00:05:42,109 --> 00:05:45,410 The odyssey and...The one you said when we got here, 151 00:05:45,412 --> 00:05:47,346 The wolf one. 152 00:05:47,348 --> 00:05:48,714 Kevin, why don't we go mingle 153 00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:51,383 And let the detectives settle in? 154 00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:54,753 Boyle, what happened to your shirt? 155 00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:56,722 I spilled a wonderful winter salsa. 156 00:05:56,724 --> 00:05:58,757 Here, wear my shirt. I was gonna take it off anyway. 157 00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:00,125 Hitchcock, no! 158 00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:02,361 Boyle, take my sweater. 159 00:06:03,963 --> 00:06:06,565 Fits really well. We have similar physiques. 160 00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:07,966 We've been here all of four minutes, 161 00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:10,969 And you guys have already forgotten everything I said! 162 00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:13,038 Party huddle, stat! 163 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,774 Okay, gang, we need a new strategy. 164 00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,776 Totally. What is going on out there? 165 00:06:17,778 --> 00:06:20,112 We can't tell cop stories, Kevin doesn't find me charming, 166 00:06:20,114 --> 00:06:22,147 And a native english speaker referred to captain Holt 167 00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:24,750 As "hilarious." I am flummoxed! 168 00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:27,085 That's a word I learned for this party, and I am it! 169 00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:29,154 Well, I'm doing fine. Really? 170 00:06:29,156 --> 00:06:31,056 "Raymond, those slacks are a knockout." 171 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,557 do you think he heard that? 172 00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:33,592 Only 'cause you yelled it. 173 00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:34,893 Shut up. 174 00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,895 From now on, we play to our strengths. 175 00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:38,764 Charles, you know everything about food. 176 00:06:38,766 --> 00:06:40,098 That's all you talk about. 177 00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:43,135 Will ever know everything about food. 178 00:06:43,137 --> 00:06:44,603 It's an evolving discipline. 179 00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:46,004 That's great stuff. 180 00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:48,073 It's so boring. Don't waste it. 181 00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:49,741 Amy, you studied art history. 182 00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:50,942 That's interesting. 183 00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:52,744 Scully, opera. 184 00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:55,981 Hitchcock, nothing. Talk about nothing. 185 00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:58,083 Rosa, stick with Gina. 186 00:06:58,085 --> 00:06:59,851 Make sure she doesn't say anything insane 187 00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:00,852 Or steal anything. 188 00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:02,721 Too late. 189 00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:05,690 Don't worry, it's just, like, hats and scarves and stuff. 190 00:07:05,692 --> 00:07:07,993 She will put those back. I will handle the chitchat. 191 00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:09,561 Well, that just leaves you, Peralta. 192 00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:11,730 What's your cultural specialty? 193 00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:13,131 Easy, Kevin mentioned The New Yorker, 194 00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:15,066 And I've totally read that. 195 00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:22,707 Keep a low profile, chuckle at anecdotes. 196 00:07:22,709 --> 00:07:24,209 Try not to start any conversations. 197 00:07:24,211 --> 00:07:25,877 Got it. 198 00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:28,146 Wait a minute, you're Hitchcocking me? 199 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:30,549 Well, not surprising. We're practically twins. 200 00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:33,485 "be appropriate," on three. Quietly. 201 00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:35,487 One, two, three. 202 00:07:35,489 --> 00:07:37,989 Be appropriate. 203 00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:39,691 Now, break it up. We look weird. 204 00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:41,860 Okay. 205 00:07:44,997 --> 00:07:48,033 Don't move as a group. You're not gazelles. 206 00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:55,907 No, no, I said, "millimeters." 207 00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:01,646 Oh, Ray, I'm gonna choke from laughter. 208 00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:02,814 You're too funny! 209 00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:07,752 Yes, great humor words, Raymond. 210 00:08:07,754 --> 00:08:09,821 You know, it reminds me of a very interesting article 211 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,857 I read about human trafficking in The New Yorker. 212 00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:13,024 No, it doesn't. Oh. 213 00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,726 The one written by David Remnick. 214 00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:16,595 I loved that piece, from four weeks ago. 215 00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:19,130 Or was it three weeks? No, four. 216 00:08:19,132 --> 00:08:21,533 Anyways, I was riveted. 217 00:08:21,535 --> 00:08:23,702 I'm a huge New Yorker guy. 218 00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:25,670 I could talk about that article for hours. 219 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:26,838 Great. That's unnecessary. 220 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:27,839 Let's do that right now. 221 00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:29,574 Let's do. 222 00:08:29,576 --> 00:08:32,010 Ah, there they are. Kevin, let's greet our guests. 223 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,246 Oh. Mm-hmm. Duty calls. 224 00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:36,948 To be continued. 225 00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:39,918 Totes! Can't wait! 226 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:41,653 I can wait. 227 00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:43,121 All I remember about that article is the title. 228 00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:44,956 I was hopped up on nitrous. 229 00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:46,658 Well, we gotta find that magazine. 230 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:47,826 It's gotta be in here somewhere, right? 231 00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:50,128 This place is like a candy store for nerds. 232 00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:53,698 Stop eating crab wrong! 233 00:08:55,301 --> 00:08:58,970 Ah, pepper relish on your arancini. 234 00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:00,972 Very playful. Cut through the richness, 235 00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:02,974 Add a little levity. I love that. 236 00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:04,809 You really know your food. 237 00:09:04,811 --> 00:09:05,844 Well, you could say it's the only thing 238 00:09:05,846 --> 00:09:07,045 I'm allowed to talk about. 239 00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:09,581 I'm Charles. I work with captain Holt. 240 00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:12,584 I'm vivian ludley. I work with Kevin. 241 00:09:12,586 --> 00:09:14,753 No. The vivian ludley? 242 00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:16,821 Author of stone fruits and stone-stones: 243 00:09:16,823 --> 00:09:19,891 Food of the paleolithic era? I'm a huge fan! 244 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,193 It's got the best recipes for making salads out of moss. 245 00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:26,598 The trick is, you have to lean into the dirt taste. 246 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,800 Aha. Mm-hmm. 247 00:09:28,802 --> 00:09:33,204 Chickpeas, tahini, smoked paprika... 248 00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:35,040 They make their own hummus. 249 00:09:35,042 --> 00:09:36,741 Santiago? 250 00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:37,742 Sergeant! 251 00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:39,311 I'm learning so much. 252 00:09:39,313 --> 00:09:42,581 We both have blue hand towels, we have the same microwave, 253 00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:45,216 And once I buy coasters made out of geodes, 254 00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:46,217 We'll both have those. 255 00:09:46,219 --> 00:09:47,953 Yeah. 256 00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:50,322 No, hey! My notes! 257 00:09:50,324 --> 00:09:53,124 This is a birthday party, not a recon mission. 258 00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:56,261 You can get this back at the end of the night. 259 00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:57,929 All right. 260 00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:58,897 Let's go interact with these dummies. 261 00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:00,298 Wait here. 262 00:10:02,201 --> 00:10:03,802 What do you teach? 263 00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:04,970 Comparative historiography 264 00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:06,771 Of the French and American revolutions. 265 00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,206 Nope. How 'bout you? 266 00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:09,908 Molecular biology. 267 00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:11,810 Worse. What do you study? 268 00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:13,612 Abnormal psychology. 269 00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:16,381 So, like, weirdos and freaks. 270 00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:17,849 You should meet my friend. 271 00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:20,652 Hey. 272 00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:22,387 Gina, what are you thinking about right now? 273 00:10:22,389 --> 00:10:26,625 I was thinking how I would make the perfect american president, 274 00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:31,296 Based upon my skill set, dance ability, and bloodlust. 275 00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:34,766 That is fascinating. 276 00:10:35,902 --> 00:10:38,036 "ah-shan-ti." 277 00:10:42,775 --> 00:10:46,945 Oh, man, it's black Tom Selleck and white Sidney Poitier. 278 00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:49,914 Come on. 279 00:10:49,916 --> 00:10:51,683 All books and no magazines? 280 00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:54,786 What kind of crappy library's full of books? 281 00:10:54,788 --> 00:10:56,921 A crap library. 282 00:10:56,923 --> 00:10:58,657 All of the magazines are in the bathroom. 283 00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:00,225 Great solve, Peralta. 284 00:11:00,227 --> 00:11:01,292 Ah! 285 00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:02,694 Can I help you? 286 00:11:02,696 --> 00:11:03,962 Captain. 287 00:11:03,964 --> 00:11:06,031 I didn't hear you silently sneak up on me. 288 00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:08,900 Oh, that reminds me, tell Kevin that I am available for brunch 289 00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:09,901 On Sunday the 17th. 290 00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:11,870 The 17th is a Tuesday. 291 00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:14,906 Why are you talking about The New Yorker all of a sudden? 292 00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:16,675 I always talk about smart stuff. 293 00:11:16,677 --> 00:11:19,310 You know, the jazz age, what's in a name, 294 00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:22,781 The 1950s movies that are from the '50s. 295 00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:25,884 Those were the categories on Jeopardy last night. 296 00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:27,352 Don't try so hard to impress my husband. 297 00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:29,421 Yes, sir. 298 00:11:31,824 --> 00:11:33,958 To the crap library. 299 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:37,862 April 13th, May 2nd... 300 00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:40,799 Come on! Why doesn't my life always work out perfectly? 301 00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:45,303 Uh, just a second! I'm halfway done! 302 00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:47,839 I'm halfway there, I'm halfway done... 303 00:11:47,841 --> 00:11:51,142 With what's happening in here. Okay. 304 00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:56,047 ♪ una furtiva lagrima ♪ 305 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,982 This song gets to me every time. 306 00:11:57,984 --> 00:12:00,452 It's beautiful. You must be so proud. 307 00:12:00,454 --> 00:12:01,820 I sure am. 308 00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:03,388 How long have you two been together? 309 00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,356 We've been partners for almost 30 years. 310 00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:08,026 So do you two ever get harassed at work? 311 00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:10,061 Harassed? For what? 312 00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:13,198 For being a gay couple who works together in the nypd. 313 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:17,035 Bu-u-u-ooh... 314 00:12:17,037 --> 00:12:19,904 Peralta. Hey, don't you one-minute me. 315 00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:22,040 I will break that finger off. Hang up that phone. 316 00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:23,875 I'm talking to my credit card company. 317 00:12:23,877 --> 00:12:25,810 I tried to get an online subscription to The New Yorker, 318 00:12:25,812 --> 00:12:27,112 And they declined me. 319 00:12:27,114 --> 00:12:29,047 Apparently, based on my previous purchases, 320 00:12:29,049 --> 00:12:30,415 They assumed it was fraud. 321 00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:32,217 That's crazy. I'm fancy. 322 00:12:32,219 --> 00:12:34,919 One time, I had coffee-flavored ice cream. 323 00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:36,087 Shut up! Okay. 324 00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,989 Hang up now. 325 00:12:37,991 --> 00:12:39,991 If you're that desperate, the first two paragraphs 326 00:12:39,993 --> 00:12:41,459 Of the article are on the free site. 327 00:12:41,461 --> 00:12:43,261 Hmm. You have one minute to look it up, 328 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:46,898 And then if I catch you on that phone again... 329 00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:48,867 Oh, my. Don't worry. 330 00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:52,403 I'm due for an upgrade, and my babies are on the cloud. 331 00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:56,007 He is so strong. 332 00:12:58,144 --> 00:12:59,377 Ah, thank you. 333 00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:00,879 Lovely party, Kevin. 334 00:13:00,881 --> 00:13:03,548 These tiny pickles are hilarious. 335 00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:07,252 They're called cornichon. 336 00:13:07,254 --> 00:13:09,487 So that New Yorker article about human trafficking 337 00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:11,156 We were discussing-- yes, so interesting, 338 00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:13,458 Especially the first two paragraphs. 339 00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,293 Right, but what did you think of the thesis, 340 00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:18,429 Vis-a-vis modern slavery and its undeniable role in the economy? 341 00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:20,398 Good. 342 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,001 If you ask me, the whole thesis was way off base, 343 00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:24,803 Vis-a-vis the rest of the article 344 00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:28,339 Vis-a-vis...America. 345 00:13:29,408 --> 00:13:31,242 The article was antislavery. 346 00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:33,044 Are you saying that slavery is good? 347 00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:34,479 You know, I think you're missing the point of the article. 348 00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:35,980 You must not be remembering it right. 349 00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:37,949 Well, I just read it last night as I got in bed. 350 00:13:37,951 --> 00:13:38,950 It's quite fresh in my memory. 351 00:13:38,952 --> 00:13:40,819 Ah. You know, 352 00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:42,554 I would like to hear more of your thoughts. 353 00:13:42,556 --> 00:13:44,355 And I would love to give them to you, 354 00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:46,591 But unfortunately, I have got to hit the crap library. 355 00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:49,394 Excuse me one second. 356 00:13:49,396 --> 00:13:51,896 My last meal on earth? Mm. 357 00:13:51,898 --> 00:13:53,298 That's a great question. 358 00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:56,568 I'd go classic french. Ortolan. 359 00:13:56,570 --> 00:13:59,304 Tiny songbird, eaten in a single bite, 360 00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:01,840 Bones and all in open defiance of god. 361 00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:03,608 It's illegal to consume ortolan, 362 00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:07,212 But I actually got academic dispensation to eat one once. 363 00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:09,514 Ohh. The beak, very crunchy. 364 00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:13,484 That is literally the sexiest thing anyone has ever said. 365 00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:14,953 How are you single? 366 00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:18,389 You're not seeing anyone? 367 00:14:20,492 --> 00:14:23,928 No. There is nobody in my life. 368 00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:28,867 Sort of a sad thing to wink about, I realize now. 369 00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:30,535 Aren't you supposed to be babysitting Gina? 370 00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,370 Doesn't need my help. 371 00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,572 She's over there, dazzling some psychologists. 372 00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:37,175 All men are at least 30% attracted to me. 373 00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:39,210 My mother cried the day I was born, 374 00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:42,313 Because she knew she would never be better than me. 375 00:14:42,315 --> 00:14:44,616 At any given moment, I'm thinking about one thing: 376 00:14:44,618 --> 00:14:48,186 Richard dreyfuss hunkered over eating dog food. 377 00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:51,122 I feel like I'm the paris of people. 378 00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:53,558 Complete overlap of ego and id. 379 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:54,926 It's been theorized, 380 00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:56,661 But I never thought I'd see it. 381 00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:57,962 I'm exquisite. 382 00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:06,037 I can't believe I'm frenching in the closet. 383 00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:07,605 I feel like a teenager! 384 00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:09,540 I feel like I'm 40 again. 385 00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:10,575 Chew on this shiso leaf. 386 00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,543 It'll give our kissing 387 00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:14,445 Umami flavor. 388 00:15:20,953 --> 00:15:23,154 Delicious. 389 00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:27,492 Time to put my newfound knowledge to the test. 390 00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:31,663 So, sir, popcorn setting, always too short, am I right? 391 00:15:31,665 --> 00:15:33,398 I'm sorry? 392 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,067 On our microwave. We have the same microwave. 393 00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:39,537 Oh, I didn't buy it. It came with the house. 394 00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:42,440 Hummus. Thoughts? 395 00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:45,677 I have no thoughts about hummus. 396 00:15:45,679 --> 00:15:47,445 If you'll excuse me. 397 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,314 Yeah. 398 00:15:51,216 --> 00:15:53,351 Blink twice if you'd like me to mercy kill you. 399 00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:54,619 I thought I had done enough recon, 400 00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:57,455 But clearly, I have only scratched the surface. 401 00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:59,958 If I'm gonna bond with him, 402 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,493 I have to massively violate his privacy. 403 00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:04,429 But truffaut wrote breathless, 404 00:16:04,431 --> 00:16:06,965 And I've always considered movies a writer's medium. 405 00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:10,134 I can't agree. It's godard's film. 406 00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:11,502 Come on! 407 00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:13,538 I mean, truffaut is also important. 408 00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:16,641 Seriously? Hold this, I gotta go. 409 00:16:18,510 --> 00:16:21,279 Wow. Maybe it is truffaut's film. 410 00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:24,315 Mighty dvr, tell me the captain's secrets. 411 00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:26,117 Unveil yourself to me. 412 00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:28,753 Ooh, how it's made: Contact lenses. 413 00:16:28,755 --> 00:16:31,222 Bingo! 414 00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:33,458 What are you doing here? 415 00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:35,693 I--what? I'm not. What are you doing here? 416 00:16:35,695 --> 00:16:37,595 I need to find a New Yorker that Kevin left by the bed, 417 00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:40,365 So I can justify this whole proslavery stance 418 00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:41,499 I've backed myself into. 419 00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,302 Detectives! 420 00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:45,670 Sarge! I see that you, 421 00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:49,040 Like I, came up here to chastise Santiago. 422 00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:51,209 Amy, this is low, even for you. 423 00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:54,012 I cannot believe you would both violate 424 00:16:54,014 --> 00:16:55,413 The "please stay downstairs" rule, 425 00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:57,015 Which was prominently posted! 426 00:16:57,017 --> 00:16:59,217 Get outta here! 427 00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:01,352 I don't know why we have to have this discussion again. 428 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:02,353 What do we do? 429 00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,455 Bathroom! Bathroom. 430 00:17:07,226 --> 00:17:08,659 Why are you upset with me? 431 00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:10,461 Your employees are the ones putting a damper on the party. 432 00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:12,196 They are acting terribly. 433 00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:13,564 You're the one who's been acting terribly tonight. 434 00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:15,666 You've been curt and snobby with my guests. 435 00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:17,535 You've been needling poor Peralta so much, 436 00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:19,237 You've practically made him a new suit. 437 00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:20,571 Needled him a new suit. 438 00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:22,306 Even when we're fighting, you're hilarious. 439 00:17:22,308 --> 00:17:24,142 Stop it. Stop it. 440 00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:27,378 Oh, no! Dog, allergies, sneezing. 441 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:28,479 No! Get away! 442 00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:29,480 Shh. 443 00:17:29,482 --> 00:17:31,416 Grab the dog! 444 00:17:35,187 --> 00:17:36,587 Look at me. 445 00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:39,590 Do not blow this for us. 446 00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:41,225 You know what, I knew this wasn't going to work. 447 00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:43,094 It never has. We should've just gone out 448 00:17:43,096 --> 00:17:44,495 For dinner to a restaurant, like we do every year. 449 00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:46,297 Why did you make me invite them? 450 00:17:46,299 --> 00:17:48,332 I made you invite them because I like them. 451 00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:49,600 They're good people. 452 00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:55,573 Santiago, are you hiding in my bathroom 453 00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:58,509 With a dog that you're deathly allergic to? 454 00:17:58,511 --> 00:17:59,844 No. 455 00:18:04,550 --> 00:18:06,551 Occupied? 456 00:18:10,489 --> 00:18:12,190 Well, this has been a stinky 12 hours. 457 00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:13,825 My computer bag got a hole in the bottom, 458 00:18:13,827 --> 00:18:15,460 And my power cord fell out. 459 00:18:15,462 --> 00:18:17,628 Last night was such a disaster. 460 00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:19,764 I wheeze-cried myself to sleep. 461 00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,632 Well, at least captain said he liked us, 462 00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:23,334 Right before he kicked us out of his house 463 00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:24,569 For violating his trust. 464 00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:26,471 Why didn't Kevin want to invite us? 465 00:18:26,473 --> 00:18:28,639 We could have been really cool people. 466 00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:30,842 We weren't, but we could've been. 467 00:18:30,844 --> 00:18:33,277 Well, as soon as he unveiled his "no cop talk" policy, 468 00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:34,712 I was sunk. 469 00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:36,681 Gruesome murders are the cornerstone of my charm. 470 00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:38,549 Well, he spent the last 30 years with a cop. 471 00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:40,685 Maybe he's sick of hearing about it. 472 00:18:40,687 --> 00:18:42,587 Wait. 473 00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:45,289 Maybe that's not what he's sick of. 474 00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:48,259 Santiago, you brilliant bastard, you figured it out! 475 00:18:52,564 --> 00:18:54,765 Hello again, professor Kevin Cozner. 476 00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:56,467 What do you want? 477 00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:59,203 I'd like to tell you about a case I solved. 478 00:18:59,205 --> 00:19:00,705 Thank you, but just as with my home, 479 00:19:00,707 --> 00:19:02,707 My office has a strict "no cop talk" policy. 480 00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:04,542 I figured, but the case that I have solved 481 00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:06,744 Is the case of the "no cop talk" policy. 482 00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:09,714 There were three things that bothered me about last night: 483 00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:11,616 You didn't want the nine-nine at your party, 484 00:19:11,618 --> 00:19:13,417 Even though you'd never met us, 485 00:19:13,419 --> 00:19:14,852 Your friends immediately asked Hitchcock and Scully 486 00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:16,554 If they were harassed, 487 00:19:16,556 --> 00:19:17,788 And there was something interesting 488 00:19:17,790 --> 00:19:19,790 About that photo in your library-- 489 00:19:19,792 --> 00:19:22,226 You and the captain were shunted off to the side. 490 00:19:22,228 --> 00:19:23,728 I don't think you dislike cop talk. 491 00:19:23,730 --> 00:19:25,563 I think you dislike cops. 492 00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:27,331 I'm married to one. 493 00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:29,233 I know, and I can't imagine it's been fun 494 00:19:29,235 --> 00:19:31,802 Watching the man you love marGinalized, underappreciated, 495 00:19:31,804 --> 00:19:33,738 And disrespected by the nypd. 496 00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:35,706 Because he's gay, Raymond has been put through hell 497 00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:37,475 By his colleagues, many of whom, 498 00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:39,377 Quite frankly, look exactly like you. 499 00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:42,213 Devastatingly handsome? 500 00:19:42,215 --> 00:19:43,681 I'm sorry, I'm uncomfortable with emotions. 501 00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,750 So yes, I decided a long time ago 502 00:19:45,752 --> 00:19:47,552 That just because I love Raymond 503 00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:50,454 Doesn't mean I have to love the people he works with. 504 00:19:50,456 --> 00:19:51,756 Good solve, detective. 505 00:19:51,758 --> 00:19:53,457 Nice cop lingo. 506 00:19:53,459 --> 00:19:56,794 Look, I'm really sorry that we ruined your party. 507 00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:58,596 I'd like to make it up to you. 508 00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:00,898 Captain, thank you for joining us. 509 00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:02,333 What's going on? 510 00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:03,701 A proper birthday dinner. 511 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,303 Amy chose the restaurant. 512 00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:06,804 Captain. 513 00:20:06,806 --> 00:20:09,574 Ah, perfect. I've always wanted to come here. 514 00:20:09,576 --> 00:20:10,875 Boyle picked the menu. 515 00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,677 Vivian helped. 516 00:20:12,679 --> 00:20:14,879 Terry chose the champagne. 517 00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:17,281 I'm sorry about your party, sir. 518 00:20:17,283 --> 00:20:19,784 I tried to keep them in line, but I failed. 519 00:20:19,786 --> 00:20:21,552 Well, that's not your job. I'm only sorry 520 00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:22,787 You didn't get a chance to enjoy yourself. 521 00:20:22,789 --> 00:20:25,289 Gina has brought back all the silverware 522 00:20:25,291 --> 00:20:26,958 That she stole from your house. 523 00:20:28,794 --> 00:20:31,862 What? Also, this clock. 524 00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:32,863 Good heavens. 525 00:20:32,865 --> 00:20:34,465 This isn't ours. 526 00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:36,400 And my contribution will be to refrain 527 00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:39,804 From discussing The New Yorker for the rest of my living days. 528 00:20:39,806 --> 00:20:42,006 Enjoy. Thank you, jake. 529 00:20:42,008 --> 00:20:43,774 You're welcome, Kevin. Call me "Kev." 530 00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:45,643 Oh. What? 531 00:20:45,645 --> 00:20:47,311 Oh, he told you to say that, didn't he? 532 00:20:47,313 --> 00:20:49,480 Well, you are always playing pranks on me, Raymond. 533 00:20:49,482 --> 00:20:50,681 Just once, let me be the funny one. 534 00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:53,784 And finally, it is my great pleasure 535 00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:56,754 To introduce the nine-nine zone detective Scully 536 00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:58,789 To serenade you. 537 00:20:58,791 --> 00:21:02,460 ♪ ma n'atu sole ♪ 538 00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:05,830 ♪ cchiu bello, oi ne' 539 00:21:05,832 --> 00:21:08,299 ♪ o sole mio ♪ 540 00:21:08,301 --> 00:21:10,801 ♪ sta 'nfronte a te ♪ 541 00:21:10,803 --> 00:21:12,303 This part always gets me. 542 00:21:12,305 --> 00:21:17,908 ♪ o sole o sole mio ♪ 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net